Seriously, fuck you.
I’m sitting here telling you how much I need you tonight and instead of doing what you always say you would do, you yell and bail and stop caring.
You’re supposed to be my person. You’re my only real person.
I’ve never been so hurt. It just doesn’t make any sense.
And if I was overwhelmed before, I’m way passed that now.
So in case you skipped the first two lines, fuck you.
I can’t do this.
I never get the grades I try so hard to earn.
I won’t finish school.
I’ll never get an internship.
I’m not good enough to be a person.
Nothing is right. Nothing is working.
I try my best and I still mess everything up.
I’m done getting out of bed.
I’m done, I’m done, I’m done.
I didn’t have a particularly difficult time wanting to be alive.
I went to school. I got decent grades. I played sports and did music. I had friends. I got into college. But I cared about everyone. Everything. All the time. So much that it became painful.
And when you care too much you get your heart broken… Which I did - a lot. I tried it. I tried it and it sucked. So I changed.
I stopped caring all together, but that doesn’t work either because that just makes you a bitch. Then I started hurting people because they were always caring about me more than I cared about them.
And now here I am - just hoping that I can be somewhere in between. Somewhere stable and normal.
I’m caring again and it’s horrifying. But you’re caring too and that helps a little.
I’m just overwhelmed by the idea that I could go back to being the way I was before… I’d lose everything. I’d lose you.
Then there’s you. You: who even on my worst days falls in love with me again. Who sits with me while I cry and holds me when I can’t get out of bed. Who kisses me until I can feel it again. Who loves me until I can love myself again.
I don’t know what I ever did to be so blessed, but I pray you’re something I can hold on to, even though I don’t deserve it.
I love you.
But at the end of the day, it doesn’t. It doesn’t at all.
No one takes me seriously. If I take the time to reach out to you, it really means something. I don’t do that anymore… Why reach out just to be cut out and pushed aside?
I’ve never been less ok. Do I really have to say it? Apparently my GPA last Fall didn’t make it clear enough. Or my negative coping styles. Or my not calling or going home - ever.
But it’s fine, I’m fine. I’m not allowed to be anything but that… I never really have been.
I am also realizing that this will never change.
I am so disconnected from everything around me. Every damn thing.
We grow up, and slowly, or all at once, things fall apart.
And we try fooling ourselves into thinking that maybe this feeling will go away. I realize now that isn’t realistic.
You make one mistake and everything after it goes to shit. Or maybe you don’t, and things still go to shit.
Eventually, things just go to shit.
When you’re young you think you’ll have time to “get over it” - whatever that means. But you keep growing and things keep happening until you realize they will never stop. It’s one thing and then another, and you never really get time to “be ok”.
Then there is the matter of your memory, which makes sure that even after the shitty things have happened you won’t be able to ever forget them. Unlike bruises, they never actually go away. Memories are more like cuts - they leave scars. Sometimes real ones.
I don’t think I will ever “be ok” again. Not ever. And I’m not really sure what to do about it.
I was told by a great friend of mine to make a list, so this is my list.
You must be:
Passionate: literally about anything. I don’t care what it is - you just have to love something and be able to lose yourself in it. Everyone should have at least one thing that is their own that they give everything to. Even if it’s just loving life or people (that in itself is an accomplishment). Passion is a good indicator of love.
Deep: by deep I don’t mean serious, I mean intellectual. I want to have deep conversations with you - serious or not. I want them to be intelligent and interesting. I need a person who can keep up with me. I need someone who can figure me out and see past the mask I become. I want to fall in love with your words. I am a lover of words - they mean everything.
Sarcastic: I want to laugh with you. I want to banter back and forth. I want to be able to have fun and hold a conversation. I want to flirt - it’s fun. I want to be random and create a stream of ridiculous consciousness that exists somewhere other than in my singular mind.
Genuine: I have trouble with walls in the sense that I have too many of them. I need someone who can tear them down and make me talk. Ask me a million questions until you know everything and answer all of mine. And then you have to be ok with the answers.
Musical: You don’t need to be talented, it only matters that you appreciate and are affected by music in a deep way. I want to share music. I want to speak in only lyrics. And since I’m probably going to write songs about you - I need you to want to hear them.
Open: I have plans to never make plans. I want to travel the world. I want to live in far away places. I want to feel free with someone. Also, I am a mess. I will be the first to say it. I need a person who is flexible and supportive of that. Someone who won’t mind when I am confused or conflicted or upset too often. Sometimes I lose my mind, but I promise it usually comes back.
Direct: I don’t like bullshit. I don’t like lies or waiting too long to tell someone something. I want fights to always be resolved before we go to bed. If we fight and I haven’t talked to you in hours I expect you’ll lose your pride and talk to me, because that’s what I’d do for you. I want you to ask me questions until you get an answer. I want you to push me to be better. I want honesty, even when it’s hard. I want all of you - the raw, 4am version. Not the one everyone else sees. I want real, direct, you.
I hate days like today.
Actually, I hate years like this year.
I just don’t understand people…
It’s like I’m drowning in my own mind and everyone can see.
I even talk to a person who is supposed to help or is at least qualified enough to notice.
There are plenty of people who should.
They say things about my grades, and they say things like, “This isn’t like you” or “What’s going on with you lately?”
They’ll say lots of things. That’s the thing about people.
They see you drowning and everyone wants to pass judgement but no one wants to help.
But they can see you drowning.
They can see you and no one wants to reach out a hand and pull you out of your water.
Because no one wants to be responsible for someone who can’t help his or her own self.
Don’t ever give one person all of you. For that matter, don’t even give them half.
Because when they’re gone they take that with them and you’re left with whatever you managed to save of yourself.
And trust me, they always go.
The ones closest to you are the ones with the power to hurt you the most.
It’s never a good idea to fall in love. You’ll think it’s what you want, but it isn’t. You don’t want the heartbreak, I promise. It’s not worth it.